If Your Wife Only Knew Read online

  “You know he’s married, right?”

  “You know him or something?”

  “No, I don’t know him. But I do know men and that one has a wife. Did you know that?”

  “What? I-I—”

  “Answer me this. Have you ever been to his house?”

  “No. He lives with his great aunt. And his sister. And his niece. Their family is going through some stuff, so . . .”

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Almost two years.”

  “So in two years of being with him, he’s never invited you to his house?”

  “No.”

  “Has he introduced you to his family?” Alexis discreetly took a seat across from the chick. Her voice was calm and matter-of-fact.

  “Well, no.” The girl furrowed her brows. “No.”

  “Have you ever asked him if he’s married?”

  “Yes. Wait. No, not really. It never came up.”

  “So you’re assuming he’s single.”

  “He doesn’t act married. We’re always together.”

  “Always?”

  “Well, he makes time for me when he’s not working. And he works very hard. He drives semis. He’s on the road a lot but he always comes to see me when he gets a break. We spend a couple weekends together out the month. We go out. We talk on the phone all the time. When he falls asleep, my voice is the last voice he hears.” She grinned like she was proud of herself.

  Alexis laughed. “When you do go out, does he hold your hand in public?”

  The girl’s face brightened. “Yes!”

  “How sweet! What side of town do you live on?”

  “West side.”

  “And on what side of town does he live with his great aunt . . . and the sister . . . and the niece?”

  “Far north side.”

  “Figures.”

  Alexis quietly observed the girl, not desiring to hurt her but only wanting to educate her. She could identify with her and felt some compassion. At the same time, she hated the girl. Hated the situations that she and so many other women put themselves in. Yet Alexis chose to be in her own situation. And no matter how good it seemed, it was a hard life. The only life she knew.

  “Have you met any of his close friends?”

  “Oh yeah. There’s Donnie Wade, T.L., and Bun.”

  “And when you met these friends, how did your man introduce you? Did he refer to you as his woman? His special lady?”

  The girl thought. She frowned. “No, he just called me Regina. Like: This Regina.”

  Alexis nodded. “Hmmm. Why am I not surprised?”

  She stood up and took a long, deep breath.

  “Well, I gotta be going. Like I said, I noticed the interactions between you and your man and, um, don’t say I didn’t warn you, but he is locked down like a felon in the pen. Now if you want to continue being with this man, that’s on you. But you gotta know what you’re getting yourself into. Decide if that’s how you wanna roll for the rest of your life.”

  Regina looked mortified. “The rest of my life? Assuming he is married, you actually think I want to be with a man like that for the rest of my life?”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time. Won’t be the last.”

  Alexis waved good-bye and turned around.

  Her long, graceful legs were like a giraffe’s. Her hips swayed like the slow motion of a pendulum. She walked as if a hardcover book sat on her head and she was traipsing down a runway. She instinctively knew that the eye of every man was on her. And the eyes that weren’t on her wanted to be.

  Regina felt distraught the second Alexis left her alone at the table. Suddenly she bolted from her chair. She raced after Alexis, who by now had slid onto the plush leather seat of a two-seater black Mercedes. Her vanity plates spelled out “SPOILED.” It was an old convertible but still turned heads when she drove with the top down.

  The girl waved.

  “Um, I’m sorry to bother you.”

  “You’re not bothering me.”

  “Well, I wanted to say my name is Regina.”

  “You told me that already.”

  “Why do I keep meeting the same type of shitty-ass guys?”

  Alexis reached out and squeezed Regina’s hand with a gentleness that instantly soothed her. “Because there are way more shitty-ass guys out here to meet than non-shitty-ass guys,” Alexis replied with a laugh. Then she said, “Seriously, Regina. I feel you. Because to be honest, I ask myself the same question.”

  “Can we talk? Something tells me I can learn a lot from you.” Regina hesitated. “I-I already have.”

  Alexis emerged from her car and the two new friends returned to the café table, where they took a seat and ordered drinks.

  Regina blurted, “You sleep with married men. Don’t you?”

  “Not men. One man.”

  “You act like it doesn’t bother you.”

  “It is what it is. If I could control this situation, I would. I’d be like God. I’d have the power to make everything the way I want it to be.”

  “Really?”

  “But he’s not the first, obviously.”

  “You do this all the time?”

  Alexis’s eyes glinted with a sadness that couldn’t be denied. “Do you mind?” She retrieved a new cigarette from her pouch and lit up.

  “Nasty habit. I started doing this, started killing myself, ever since I was nine.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  “I started smoking exactly one day after I found out the truth about my father.” Alexis dreamily stared at nothing and was mentally transported to her childhood when it was her, and her mother, and her daddy.

  “Tandy. That’s my dad’s name.”

  “Tandy. That’s different.”

  “He was wonderful, too. We did fun stuff together. He took me shopping for clothes and cute little Barbie dolls that I loved to dress up. He’d buy us chocolate ice cream with waffle cones, and took me to the biggest parks in Houston so I could play and run around, even though my mother couldn’t stand for me to get my clothes dirty. My dad treated me like his princess. That’s how I felt whenever I was with him. I had such a good feeling of love, and acceptance, and belonging.”

  “But that changed?”

  “Check this out. When I was nine, our class went on a field trip to the zoo. Daddy signed up to be a chaperone. The kids, we were all so excited and scared to see all the animals; the elephant display, lions, the squawking birds. But we had so much fun eating snow cones and stale yellow popcorn. And even though I was scared of the animals, I felt safe because Daddy was there with me. So I relaxed and kept enjoying myself. Just me and my daddy. And then this strange woman showed up at the zoo. I had never seen her before. I guess they arrived late. And a little girl was with her. The girl looked a year or two older than me. She wore clothes like she was going to church, not to the zoo. Her long ponytails were made up in pretty pink ribbons. She had on a neat little dress. Her mom was skinny and cute. The woman laughed a lot. And suddenly I noticed that my dad wasn’t paying attention to me. He was talking to this lady and was all up in her face instead of in mine. He—” Her voice caught in her throat and it quivered when she continued. “My daddy took that little girl’s hand and they all walked in front of me. I walked behind them. They were laughing, enjoying the animals, while I was forced to look at them. I didn’t care about those animals anymore. And when I couldn’t stand it any longer and went to yank his sleeve to get his attention, Daddy told me to hold hands with my classmate Vennie. I mean I liked Vennie. She was probably the closest thing to a female friend I’ve ever had. For some reason, me and other chicks don’t always click. But Vennie and I held hands—but she was no substitute for my daddy.”

  “Well, what was that all about?”

  “That day, after the woman and her kid left the zoo, and my daddy dropped me off at home, I was met at the door by my mother.”

  “Oh. He dropped you off? He didn’t live with you?”


  Alexis laughed. “That’s how naïve I was. Hardly anybody’s father lived with them. So I thought it was normal. He was still active in my life. But that’s the day my mother revealed to me that Tandy had a wife, and that I had a sister named Glynis. Mama informed me we weren’t his real family. All that time . . . I thought we were.”

  “Damn, that must have hurt.”

  “Daddy was the first man I trusted . . . and the first one that broke my heart.”

  Alexis waved a large circle with the thin cigarette that made her want to choke. “That’s when Capri Indigo and I became best friends. I began spending more time with Capri.” She took a drag and blew smoke rings out her mouth, “Spent more time trying to smoke than I spent with my girl Vennie. Biggest mistake I ever made in my life. It was like a fork was in the road. And instead of going right, I went left. Story of my life. I should’ve stuck with Vennie.”

  Regina sensed that it was hard for Alexis to make friends. Maybe it was because she was so pretty that she intimidated insecure women.

  “But weren’t you scared to smoke? Are you scared now?”

  Alexis read between the lines. “It’s not like I’m a chain smoker or anything. Plus, we all gotta die of something one day. What difference will it make what the death certificate says? Death is death.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re not afraid of that, either?”

  “I’m scared to death of it. My mother, she’s been horribly sick lately. And I am petrified that I will walk into her bedroom one day, her room will be cold and dark, and she will be still and silent. And gone. And I won’t ever hear my mother’s voice again.”

  “Wow. Anything else?”

  “I should be used to it by now but I’m very scared to be alone; I absolutely hate when I feel lonely. Men and women weren’t meant to be that way. That’s one Bible verse I remember.” She laughed and continued. “Loneliness is like an endless, deep black pit. A big hole that can’t be filled with anything except the ones you long to be with.”

  “With what’s-his-face?”

  Alexis nodded. “Being with what’s-his-face feels like pleasure mixed with pain. Lots and lots of pleasure.”

  “And a whole lotta pain.”

  “You are correct, Regina. As weird as this may sound, sometimes I don’t feel right with him, but other times I feel incomplete without him.”

  “So why do you do it? Why don’t you stop? Do you like it? How often do you see your man?”

  “I do it because . . . as bad as it may sound, it’s what I want to do. Plus, the decent man shortage is very real in Houston. Many handsome, seemingly good men troll around like they’re single until you find out they’re not. By then it’s too late. You’re in love, or lust, and stuck on stupid.”

  “But you can still stop once you find out . . .”

  “Are you going to stop, Regina? Can you tell me that you will never, ever see your own what’s-his-face after today? Never have contact with him ever again as long as the sun keeps shining? Are you saying that the strong feelings you developed for the sonofabitch will completely dissolve ten minutes after you learned the truth about the man with whom you’ve shared many valuable years? After you’ve shared life-changing experiences? Sure, some chicks got that in them. Kick him to the curb or flick his ass off like he’s a nasty booger and keep it moving. But the majority of us . . . we go back for more . . . more torture . . . more conflict . . . more struggling with desire for love and acceptance . . . more man sharing. It’s a bitch.”

  “Well, Alexis, from listening to you, if he is married, I don’t want to go back. I-I don’t want to stay caught up year after year, if all he’s going to do is keep going home to her.”

  “Regina, welcome to the Weekend Wives Club, because in essence that’s what we are. Part-time wives. We get some of the privileges but not everything we deserve.”

  “If getting dick every now and then is what you call ‘privileges’ and he thinks that’s all it takes to make me happy, then he must be fooling himself.”

  “You are learning, aren’t you?”

  “No, I’m processing. I’m pissed.” Regina banged her fist on the table. “I am fucked up right now because this Negro had me wide open like the Grand-mother-freaking-Canyon. He made me feel like I was the only one. Like I was special and shit. Because if I do my research and find out he has a wife at home, I will feel very stupid. But now that I think of it, he did act shady and mysterious.”

  “All mysterious acting men do not work for the FBI. Side Chick 101, lesson number three.”

  Regina finally let out a jubilant laugh. “You are crazy, Alexis.”

  “I didn’t used to be. But living this life makes you some type of way.”

  “Yet you like it. What? His dick all that?”

  “Good dick is hard to find . . . until you are lucky enough to come across a better dick. But, sure, the sex is one factor, but it’s not just that. We have stronger ties and it’s so much more that I can’t tell it all. But part of it is the fantasy. And my admitting this makes me sound so very pathetic, but when I’m with my man for the few hours he gives me, and the things we do together, and not just the sex, but the very important moments we get to share, I am able to live out my dream of us being meant to be. Him giving me undivided attention. Him buying me nice stuff not just to make up for his absence, but simply because he loves me.”

  “I see that nice whip you got. Your man got you that?”

  “Hell, naw. Rashad ain’t stacking that type of paper. He’s doing pretty good, but he’s not there just yet.”

  “Oh, that his name? Rashad?”

  Alexis tried not to look as disturbed as she felt. “Do me a favor. Pretend you didn’t hear that.”

  “Who would I tell? I don’t even care. He ain’t my husband.” Regina thoughtfully studied Alexis, almost envying the woman. Alexis acted as if she didn’t give a damn that she was cheating with a married man. And Regina couldn’t understand it. She wondered why the woman couldn’t do any better. Alexis was so darned pretty she was difficult to look at. Regina had never met anyone like her. From her sense of fashion to her the-hell-with-it attitude, she could still detect vulnerability underneath the charade. Even though Regina didn’t know Rashad, she could guess why he would want Alexis in his life.

  “Why do they do it?” Regina asked. “I mean, why wouldn’t my boyfriend just tell me he was married?”

  “Hello? His goal is to tippity tap tap tap that ass.”

  “Some niggas ain’t shit.”

  “But women help men not be shit, don’t we? We are cosigning. And whatever you sign up for is what you get. Yet if all us women stuck together and said fuck it, this shit is wack, it’s over, and if we stop spreading our legs for men that are already taken, if we ignore their phone calls, delete their texts, stop listening to their charming asses, the world would be a much better place, wouldn’t it, Regina?”

  “Hell, yeah!”

  “But . . . as good as it sounds . . . it’ll never happen.”

  Alexis gave Regina her contact info and the two women went their separate ways. She hopped back in her Mercedes and decided to take a long spin to Fort Bend County. She decided to shop at a new signature Kroger store located on Highway 6, north of Fresno. It had high ceilings, was well lit and filled with fresh produce and meats. A lot of shoppers were crammed in the store on this particular day.

  When she walked inside the front entrance, she began pushing a large, bulky basket.

  “Hello, beautiful!” A well-dressed man smiled at her as soon as she entered the bakery department. She was distracted by all the bakery goods displayed on a big table.

  “Hey,” the man said again, this time with more attitude.

  Alexis was preoccupied with viewing the pecan pies.

  “I said ‘hello,’ lady; are you deaf?”

  When she still failed to acknowledge him, he spat at her. “Stuck-up bitch.”

  “Hold up, what did you say?”

  “So no
w you ready to talk? I gotta call you the bitch that you are before you act like you got good sense?”

  “Excuse me, sir. You don’t wanna go there. I didn’t speak to you because . . .” She glanced at his left hand. “Because of your man tan.”

  He thrust his hand in his pocket and walked away.

  “That wasn’t very nice of him. Are you okay, miss?” A man with kind eyes stood near Alexis. He wore a simple pair of jeans and a maroon TAMU jacket. She glanced at his left hand. No man tan.

  “I’m good. Thanks.”

  “Gotta be careful these days. Some men get real violent when a young lady doesn’t holler back even though she owes him nothing.”

  “I-I know. That man rubbed me the wrong way. But—oh well.”

  “You get what you put out. And some guys don’t realize that respecting a woman and approaching her correctly goes a long way.”

  “Story of my life, sir.”

  “You can write you own story, you know.” His voice was firm but kind.

  “I suppose.”

  “Anyway, as long as you’re all right now and feel safe, I will let you continue with your shopping. Have a good rest of the day.”

  The man’s presence and insight actually soothed her. He reminded her of her father. Alexis wished the stranger would notice her, really look at her, and discern that she could use a good friend. She wanted to hear his kind, slow-talking Southern drawl again, but he shyly smiled at Alexis, then walked away pushing his empty cart.

  Alexis felt the familiar sting of rejection; it made her heart heavy with depression but she told herself she wouldn’t be caught dead crying in a grocery store. She decided to suck it up and began to stroll through the produce and poultry sections. Alexis selected a few items and placed them in the basket. Next on her list was Raisin Bran. She decided to make a right down the cereal aisle.

  As she guided her basket, Alexis felt herself growing calmer. But that feeling came to a grinding halt when she came upon a handsome older man leading a woman by her elbow. Alexis could tell they were married. He looked so protective of the lady. And the chick was no Halle Berry. She was more like Fred Berry on What’s Happening!! She was squat and round. He was tall and chiseled. But at least she had him. And their toddler was sitting in a basket happily playing with his stuffed animal. In their place she imagined herself, with her baby girl, and Rashad next to her. An achy lump formed in her throat. When Alexis couldn’t bear to watch them any longer, she turned her cart in the opposite direction and ended up in the frozen food section.